When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
