I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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