We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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