My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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