The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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