did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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