So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
