I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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