fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
