so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
