2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
