What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
