Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
