If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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