she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
