my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
