Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
