i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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