her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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