I hate all girls vehemently.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
