you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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