giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
