i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
