he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
