when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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