You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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