textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
