Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
