It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize