If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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