What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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