I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
