i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
