first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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