I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
