my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
