My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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