just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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