Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
