Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
