a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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