On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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