I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
