I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
