Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
