Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
