I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
