i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
