Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize