If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
