I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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