I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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