i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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