Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize