i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
