I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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