I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
