I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Found your dick twin last night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
