i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
