I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
